Pants 0. Shit 1.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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