apparently the secret to your success is patron
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
