is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
