my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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