They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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