...so i touched it.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
