Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
