I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
