I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
