U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
