I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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