Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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