Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I would ride that face into the sunset
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
