are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
