he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
