i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
