Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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