The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
