My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
