At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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