Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We had to coat check the pizza.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
