I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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