I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
