you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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