Is it because I queefed?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
