there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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