I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
