I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
