So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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