He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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