My sheets look like a crime scene.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
