I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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