This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize