You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize