I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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