So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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