I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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