"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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