Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
