Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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