You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
