You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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