Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize