so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
the day after is always just damage control
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
