wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
