when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
