my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
