I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Who died my cat blue again?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
