he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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