alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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