well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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