Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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