my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
