I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Reggie can tackle my bush.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
