I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
