If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
