Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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