Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
