So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize