My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
