he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
