Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
