Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She bit a glass in half.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
