I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
