Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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