Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
