and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize