so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize