I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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