We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
