well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
