Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
