Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
