Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
