I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
