Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
