My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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