I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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